Fund raising Blows

Fund raising... chills run up and down my spine at the words.

I hate, no wait, I loath asking people to support my work financially. maybe its because I'm old school and still believe that you should work all day to make a product, or to provide a service for people who will pay you for it. My job doesn't work like that.

They call it non-profit. I call it horrible.

I provide a service to those who wont and shouldn't pay for it. So I work with teenagers who need me for free. There is only one problem with this situation.... my powerful need to eat.
So I go to those who I believe may share my heart and passion for these teenagers, and I ask them to join our team and support me financially so I can still do this work, and eat.

And by ask I mean, tell them about my need and then wait for them to offer.

I'm a sucky fund raiser.

So here I am, having been at this job for a year and am only working for YFC for 2 days a week.
I could fundraise for my co-workers who do that same job as me without a problem. Its because I'm asking for my own salary that I become a coward and skirt around "the big ask".
this is so dumb! I know God has called me to do this work, and I know that he has therefor called others to support me.
God help me with my unbelief!

grumble grumble grumble....

So if you are praying for me, please pray for the courage and boldness and faith to ask people to support this work I believe in so much. then pray for me to meet those people. If you are one of those people that God has called to be apart of helping these kids then... let me know!

me, pictures included

so i realized that my blog is well... sad. I tell all the stories i need prayer for, so its quite depressing to read! so to lighten it up a bit i will tell you a bit about my life now as a newly wed!

we put up book shelves and now our living room looks awesome!

I've spent the past few days pouring over our wedding photos, they are so amazing!

yesterday we helped our friend move into his new apartment! I was a complete moron and decided that it was a good idea to do an hour and a half work out on my legs and back before hand. I was jello, and today am very sore. my bad.

I am addicted to rempel's meats farmer's sausage.

My favorite part of everyday is praying with Corey every night.

today i was going through and reading all our wedding cards and found a check hidden in there!

Our honeymoon was awesome, we went on a kayaking trip, zip line adventure, swam with turtles! so many memories!

I am looking forward to the routine of the school year again, this summer has held many amazing memories, but its all been a little...much. I need a school year to help me unwind from this summer! lol

well God...ok

for those of you who have been praying about the "red ink" girl, here's the update. Last night we talked, we hugged, its all going to be ok. She did say one thing to me that sent chills up and down my spine.
"I need an adult to talk to. I cant talk to anyone else but my friends. I need someone like you in my life."

chills. So she's talking to me again, way more then a dared let myself hope for.

thanks for praying

i'm really surprised to see you

She came. To monday night bible study. Interesting seeing as the last thing she yelled into the phone at me was "Im never coming to youth again".
I didnt know what to do.

So we dipped the bread sticks, i had brought, into the balsamic vinager and oil, and we ate.

Her body language was hostile. She never looked in my direction. So I simply went on with my bible study. We passed the random question ball around for a while, then we watched a video clip that showed a young boy throwing himself infront of a bullet for someone who didnt deserve it. Then they answered my questions about sacrifice. "When was the last time you sacrificed for someone?" "When did someone sacrifice something for you?" blah, de blah. It was going well. She never spoke to me, but she did answer the questions on her turn. By the end her body language had changed to more relaxed and less hate-filled.
Then I started in with my talk, I spoke about how I had spent the past day praying and fasting for them because last week was a killer week and I felt like I had nothing to give them tonight.

The girl hid a tear she didnt want me to see.

"The reason why we are eating bread today instead of popcorn is because this bread is a symbol of the ultimate sacrifice that was made for you." I then told the gospel story. The Good News. The Reason why we are so excited about knowing Jesus. There were two people there who had never heard it before.

So for those of you who are praying for this situation, there's your update. I'm sure things will be fine. My attitude: She can hate me, but God please dont let this act as another block between her discovering you.

I cant thank you enough for your prayers. God is good and at work. Blessed be his name.

I hate being the bad guy

I have never been more fully aware of my own shortcomings. I can not save these teens. I can not even really help them all that much. God is the only one who can comfort them.

Right now I sit at my computer with red swollen eyes, and vent as I wait. I am waiting for a phone call from the Adolecent Crisis Responce Center. They are calling me back about a report I am making about an attempted suicide. Here's the story:

One of my teenagers told me about her suicide attempt (see Red Ink) and legally I HAVE to report it. Failure to do so would end my job and possibly put me in jail. I knew it would be better for her to tell her parents herself, rather then have a gouvernment person knock on their door and find out that way. So I called her. I knew it was going to be tough, but I never guessed it would rip me apart so much. She cried and screamed and begged me not to. It felt like my heart was having lemon juice being poured into open gashes. I let her hang up on me.
I called the office.
I called my superiours.
I called my prayer supporters.
I prayed.

This is the second time this week I have felt like the bad guy.

The other time was on monday. I was at Starbucks with a girl and my supervisor. Her life is crap right now. I wont go into details, but this girl has got reason to be very angry and upset. But she is "fine". That's all we could get out of her, was that she was just fine.
In the words of the sharks from Finding Nemo "DE-NIAL!" So the two of us youth workers pressed her. Telling her that she isnt fine, and that life is crap and she has to have feelings. But she is numb, not caring. Its a wall. Its a mask.
"Who are you trying to fool?" I asked.
It was about two minutes later that she stood up, and walked out the door. She walked home in the pouring rain, alone. She didnt want to hear anymore. The two of us stayed there and prayed, and secretly hoped she would come back. We were there for another hour before we got up and left.

I hate feeling like the bad guy.

6 hours later I got this text message " its ____. im sorry."

I hope that one day i would get a message from this other girl i am currently the bad guy too saying something like that. But from her perspective right now, I have ruined her entire life. That sucks whe you are trying to represent Christ to someone who doesnt know him.

I am going to spend the rest of my day waiting for this phone call and praying. Please pray with me.

Red Ink

27 tylanol and 12 advil and a very badly cut up body from a razor blade to her leg. "I just got sick." she told me, watching for my reaction.



So this is what she was debating whether or not she was going to tell me.



All of this hurt and pain, all for what? Because she and her friend are in a fight. How sad. I scrounged around in the church youth room where we were sitting eating together, and eventually found what I was looking for. "This will work." I said as I handed her a small journal. "What's this for?" "homework." was my response. "My reaction for you is to give you homework." We had finished our Wendy's meals while she told me the why's and when's of her story. With only our drinks left it was my turn to talk.



"This is your new journal. It has a purpose to it. And this, is your new red pen. When you hurt, you cut yourself and bleed red. That red blood shows you your pain and hurt and frustration. Now I am giving you red ink. Ink to replace the blood. Everytime you want to cut yourself, you pour out your hurt and pain in red ink in this journal instead. There is more. In the back of this journal I want you to write at least five eternal, totally stable truths. These are unwavering things that are true no matter what, and are the reasons why you should live. One example is this :You are loved. Here is another: There is a very exciting purpose for your life that you will want to see. Those reasons. When you feel like there is no reason to go through this pain, you read those truths, and remember."

She cried, we talked some more, we hugged, we finished our drinks.



And so life goes on.

Unanswered Questions

On monday nights I have a little disscusion group that meets over hot popcorn in my church's loft. I asked the question "Where is Jesus in your life right now?" I got many answers, here are the two that stuck with me.

"God walked away and is letting me do it on my own because he has the confidance that I can do it on my own." I said "Sounds lonely." He just nodded his head in sad agreement.
"Its like a stalker who has been given a restraining order. Everytime I look around he is exactly 100 yards away watching me, wanting to come closer."

The other question I asked was "What's one thing you want to do before you die." One girl broke my heart by saying "To forget someone and just realize that they aren't coming back. To heal."

Lonelyness is one of the most common things I encounter in the hearts of the teens I work with. It breaks my heart because I know that Jesus is so lonely too. He loves these kids so much and is longing to be with them, to answer their questions, to heal them, to love them.

Please pray that they find him, the answer to all their questions.